Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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