update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
