I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
