U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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