when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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