new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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