You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
