Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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