You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
