so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
