Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
