She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
