she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
