yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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