"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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