a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
