so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
