don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Help. Why am I so naked?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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