i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
