I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
