I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
