Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
