my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
