You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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