Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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