my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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