I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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