Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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