I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
