i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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