Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
my liver is dry heaving
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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