Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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