Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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