She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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