I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize