Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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