I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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