Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
