I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
