You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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