Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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