it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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