a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
