I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
