Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We had sex on a dog bed..
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
