somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
