i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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