David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
