I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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