Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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