we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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