Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
