I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
