Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
