That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
