My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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