dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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