I hate all girls vehemently.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
