i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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