I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
