textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
