She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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