Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
