woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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