I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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