Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
