I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize