i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
